Lady Gaga goes to prison for not having a dick!!! (“Telephone” music video review)

Finally, the video for Lady Gaga and Beyonce’s “Telephone”  is out and it already hit 2,006,293 views on youtube. Gaga has been teasing her fans for months about this video and now here it is! I’ve been listening for this song for a long time and I had somewhat of a scenario in mind of how the video is going to look like. Leave it to Gaga to surprise us all! You might think that “Telephone” would be a video in which two girls argue with their boyfriends about them leaving them alone while clubbing. Hell no! Since Gaga wrote the script for this one, the punchline is completely left out just for the amazement of the viewers.

“Telephone” starts with Lady Gaga being thrown in prison and stripped of her dress. And not any prison, The Prison for Bitches! She is left in fishnet stakings and black duct tape covering her nipples. And yes, she went comando for this one! But does Gaga stay in her cell bed crying? No way! She climbs up the prison bars with her legs wide open. That sitrs the coolest reaction ever: “I told you she didn’t have a dick!”. At last someone said it! Now it’s official! Thanks to the “Telephone” music video, the world now knows that Lady Gaga is 100% woman.

Next we see Lady Gaga in the Bitch Prison courtyard wearing a pair of smoking shades. I mean literally smoking, because they were made of lit cigarettes. Also she has some chains on, fact that reminds us that she is still a convict and a classy one indeed. The other convicted bitches stare at her with envy and a rather manly lady comes up to Gaga and starts making out with her. She touches the wo-man’s crotch and takes her Virgin Mobile phone. And there’s the first product placement scene.

Let’s not forget that the title of this video is “Telephone”. While some girls were fighting, Gaga gets a phone call from Beyonce and that’s when the singing starts. It’s kinda weird seeing Lady Gaga telling Beyonce that she’s in a club and not able to hear her. As I mentioned earlier, the punchline of the video isn’t the same with the one of the song. In this part of the video we have product placement number two. Lady Gaga has her hair up using Diet Coke cans. She is a fashion icon and anything she puts in her hair, clothes or face becomes a piece of art, no matter how cheap or trashy it may seem.

I can’t get over how much she resembles Madonna from her “Papa don’t preach” years with those thick black eyebrows, the bleached blonde hair and bloody red lips.

Finally, Gaga gets bailed out by Beyonce. Before letting her go, the police officer checks her online dating site. And here we have product placement number three for the website. Might I need to add that the officer’s screen name was MissOfficer? I thought that was kind of obvious. Before walking out the office, Gaga makes a Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal” move.

Beyonce waits for her in the Pussy Waggon from Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” with a very mum-like attitude: “You’ve been a very bad girl. A very very bad bad girl, Gaga!”. Is it just me, or do you tend to hear “Caca” instead of “Gaga”? Then Beyonce takes a bite out of a 50 cent honey bun and feeds some to Gaga too, like she was her bitch or something then throws it away.

The philosophers in Lady Gaga and Beyonce now come out. They say something like “Once you’ve killed a cow, you gotta make a burger” and “Trust is like a mirror-you can fix it if it’s broke but you can still see the crack in that motherfucker’s reflection”. I didn’t quite understand what they were talking about, but that is some deep shit quoting!

The next scene takes place in a diner where Beyonce meets up with her douchebag boyfriend. And no, I’m not talking about Jay-Z. While this guy goes to the bar to slap a girl’s ass and to get in argument with some other guy, Beyonce pours poison in his coffee. Gaga is in the kitchen with some guys who are wearing make up and makes poisoned food for everyone at the diner. She is wearing a blue, strange looking telephone on her head and yet again, what she is singing doesn’t match what she’s doing in the video.

Almost everyone in the diner dies and the rest who are alive dance along with Gaga and Beyonce. The two divas are wearing outfits that match the coulours and simbols of the American flag. After they ditch the diner,we have Gaga dancing besides a car wearing a leopard print suit and a matching taxi driver hat. The police are on the lookout for the two women suspected to have murdered the people in the diner, according to the news report in the video.

Lady Gaga and Beyonce escape in a “Bonnie and Clyde” manner promising eachother they will never come back. They hold hands and we are promised that the story “Will be continued…”.

The video was awesome but also confusing taking into consideration the video didn’t conform with the lyrics. Lady Gaga has, once again, outdone herself with this video. “Telephone” was indeed the most anticipated 9 minues and 32 seconds ever. It was worth the wait. It was shocking, funny, crazy and scary, all at the same time. I can’t wait to see what Lady Gaga pulles out of her sleave next!

“I told you she didn’t have a dick!”…Priceless!



  1. teutza · March 15, 2010

    Am vazut si eu videoclipul , intr-un final. Mi se pare original si interesant. Nu sunt fan Lady Gaga, dar nici anti, asa ca , din punctul meu de vedere este ok.

  2. Edwin · March 15, 2010

    Acum am vazut. Stii ce-i trist? Jonas Akerlund este regizorul majoritatii videoclipurilor Roxette si unul dintre cei mai buni prieteni ai lui Per Gessle. Iar acum ii face treaba lu’ Gaga. E chiar trist…

  3. MONSTERgago0_0 · March 14, 2010

    well i don’t know if I’m right… but i think that the “once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger” phrase means that when you start something you have to end it! referring when GaGa gets out of jail and she is gonna kill Honey B’s idiot boyfriend! and the “trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if its broken… but you can still see the cracks in that motherfucker’s reflection” phrase means that Honey B is trying to tell GaGa that her boyfriend may change and GaGa tells her that no one changes…im not sure if that is but something is something! 😀

    • Anca · March 14, 2010

      Awesome answer!:) Thank you very much for commenting!

  4. LajjaGauri · March 13, 2010

    First of all…many of the viewers thought that by seeing the Pussy Wagon from Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill”, he actually directed the video. False! Jonas Åkerlund did! For example, he directed The Confessions Tour Live from London for Madonna. Laaaame! But we forgive him for “Paparazzi”. Secondly, some viewers said that “Bad romance” video is more interesting than this one. Yeah it is, because the director was Francis Lawrence… he directed “I Am Legend” and “Constantine”!!!!
    The video it`s ok…not ripping my eyes out. Though I like Beyonce, this is not her style!!!

  5. only words to play with · March 13, 2010

    This is excellent! Thank you!

    Other observations and discussion of “Telephone”:

  6. Pingback: Katherine Heigl not back on ‘Grey’s’ | Hot News and Trends - Right Now!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s